Separation Anxiety: Helping a Child Who Cries at Drop-Off ~

Leaving our sons at the church nursery or Mother’s Day Out program when they were being held by the caregiver – crying, hollering, “Mama or Dada”, arms straight out towards us, has got to be one of the hardest things we have done as parents. Chris and I have been on a rollercoaster ride when it comes to the separation anxiety topic.

If you’ve been there, then you know it’s heart-wrenching!

With Jock, we beat our “first-time parents'” heads against the wall. We laid up at night trying to decide what we were going to do. We’d decide we were going to let him cry it out. Then we would decide we were going to stay in the nursery too. We’d make a decision only to be thrown a curve ball at the next drop off, and we’d be back to doubting our latest verdict.

Jock cried a lot when we dropped him off. It got to the point where we were crying. We even missed church several times just dreading this. We considered changing to a denomination where everyone brings their kid into the service. Obviously, it had gotten the best of us.

When I left him at MDO they swore the crying didn’t last long. Of course, I stood in the hallway to find out for myself, and it lasted around 5 minutes. Then I went to my car and cried. Long story short, after about 2.5 years Jock quit crying for the most part.

With Luke, we just haven’t put ourselves through as much drama. He has a scream that can be heard from the nursery to the worship center, so we haven’t left him as much. When we would pick him up and his face would be spotted red and he was doing that sniffling thing every minute or less, it was too much for Chris and I. All expert advice aside, our parenting guts weren’t ok with this.

So what do we do now? After doing the best advice I found in the two links I provided below, Jock goes to nursery on Sundays and to school 3 days a week cry-free. He cried for a couple of weeks of drop-off for school, but now he says he likes it well enough.

Luke goes to nursery more and more without crying. If he cries quite a bit, we take him to the service with us. Luke has never attended MDO like Jock did.

Overall, the articles I read say that it is very normal for children to cry at drop-off. Do not think there is anything wrong with your family if your child is the only one crying. In fact, be proud of the bond you have with your child and don’t compare your family with other families.

Time and patience are the key factors. 9 times out of 10 the child will quit crying before 5 minutes is up, and they will quit crying altogether the more they stay with this caregiver and form a bond.

I found that parents need to make sure they are not giving off any anxious vibes. I really had to keep this in check because I was a crier until first grade, so I had a lot of anxiety that my kids would take after me. Some of my teachers were less than adequate teachers, and I am paranoid the same could happen to my children. I have to pray for myself that I don’t pass my worries on to them!

An experience I’d like to mention that we dealt with is that some of the church nursery and MDO caregivers took the “rip off the band-aid” approach. There were times we weren’t even done saying goodbye to our kid and the caregiver was hauling him away screaming and crying.

What I quickly learned about this is NO, NO and NO! Do not let a caregiver take over the situation unless you’re laying on the floor crying with your child. Make sure the goodbye routine goes according to your family’s standards.

After Chris and I discussed what was happening to us, we made sure that we did our same goodbye routine at every drop-off and did not let a caregiver impede our family goodbye method. Yes, experts suggest parents say goodbye quickly and go, but they don’t say – caregiver grab the kid and flee. Be sure you create a consistent goodbye routine, and stand your ground.

You have to do what works for your family. All of the drama and stress makes the whole family dread drop-offs.

This is a very touchy subject for me because I was a serious crier growing up. I cried when my mom left me at any activity, be-it twirling, babysitters, swim lessons -whatever the case. When I started Kinder, it was a NIGHTMARE. I cried almost daily. Looking back, some of these places really weren’t kid-friendly, especially my Kinder class which I remember most. A nightmare of a teacher. Some of the places were just fine. I am pretty sure I had super duper separation anxiety.

I’ve thought a lot about it, and I know I was an extreme case. I missed out on learning how to meet strangers and socialize due to freaking out, screaming, crying, clinging and usually being carried off. My parents were not the cause of my behavior. They really did try their best, bless their hearts.

If your child is still consistently crying at age 4 and up, I recommend seeking help from a child counselor. As in, get on it ASAP. Still today, I get a great deal of anxiety meeting new people or being in crowds. If you can prevent your child from going through this- DO!

If you suspect your child is an extreme case of separation anxiety, READ HERE and HERE to find clarity of they just have separation anxiety or separation anxiety disorder..

Anxiously Finding Great Anxiety Advice

After months of research, my favorite advice was from the 2 articles below. I highly recommend reading both articles if you are dealing with crying at drop-off of any age child. I’ve read a lot of articles and these two gave the most loving and stress-free advice.

Once we changed our behavior, our thoughts and feelings changed. If you want to feel calm, act calm. You can’t wait for your thoughts and feelings to change, you need to change your behavior first. The kids catch on and the crying will slow over time.

Helping Your Toddler with Separation Anxiety: See Article

Facilitate your toddlers bonding with the caregiver.
Help him get comfortable in the new situation.
Start with short drop-offs.
Develop a parting routine.
Leave the child with a comfort object.
Help your toddler to understand what is happening.
Don’t sneak out!
Discuss in advance with the caregiver what she can do to comfort the child.
Don’t be late for pick up.
Help your toddler learn that parents return.

What to Do When Your Toddler Cries at Drop-Off: See Article

Only talk about school and the employees in a positive manner.
Give your child a special item.
Arrive early.
Guide your child to their first activity.
Don’t leave without saying goodbye.
Keep goodbyes pleasant and brief.
Ask the teacher how the rest of the day went.
Discuss your child’s emotions with your child when at home.

Resources:

**There are two Daniel Tiger Episodes that focus on separation anxiety: Daniel Goes to School and Daniel’s Babysitter

Books to Help Children With Separation Anxiety:

I have bought a lot of books on separation anxiety. One of the reasons I like to read about separation anxiety with my children is because it is a segue into a conversation about how they feel at drop-off rather than bringing it up out of the blue. These are our favorites: