When you make the wise decision to quit spanking, it doesn’t take long before the questions arise. “What am I going to do instead of spanking? I can’t just let my child get away with murder. I don’t want to be a permissive parent. What if my child grows up to be a criminal?”
These are totally normal thoughts. Without a doubt, you have to have a mindset change when you switch from practicing punishment to using connection instead. You now take the time to teach the desired behavior instead of inflicting suffering for the wrong behavior.
The goal is to raise children who do what is right because it is the right thing to do NOT because they are afraid of getting hit or receiving any punishment for that matter. Think about it. What good is that for your child short term or long term?
The first belief that you must accept and own is that parenting is just as much if not more about your behavior than your child’s behavior. It is about your self-control and how you do life.
Children will be children no matter what. They go through developmental stages and they test the boundaries every step of the way. Your job is to model the self-control of navigating life within the boundaries. To do this well, self-care and connection with your child have to be priorities.
In order to be the best version of yourself, you have to be taking care of … Read the rest
Maya Angelou wisely said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” This statement has so much insight. This thought is a sensible affirmation to apply in parenthood.
What if we were intentional about how we make our children feel? Maya Angelou said that we forget what people say and what they do. I want to suggest that with our children- what we say and do will influence how they feel!
How do we want our children to feel? Valued, respected, confident, strong, loved, positive, kind, helpful, and supported. However it is you want your child to feel, your words and actions need to be aligned. It sounds common-sense, but it’s not always easy in the heat of the moment. Let’s be intentional on what we say and do with our children. To be aware and give attention to how we make our children feel will have positive effects.
Let it be said, I do believe there are plenty of variables that impact your child’s behavior and how they feel that have nothing to do with you. But for the long term, we can take some responsibility.
My Family Will Never Forget How My Grandmother Made Them Feel
Several years ago, I spoke at my grandmother’s, my Momo’s funeral. She was a simple woman. A woman that we all loved and respected. She is the mother of 10 children and grandmother … Read the rest
What comes to mind when you think about a child having good behavior? How about bad behavior? You may visualize scenes that have played out in your own household. Unfortunately, labeling children good kids or bad kids is very socially acceptable and part of our culture. If we consider how it would feel if we were called good parent or bad parent, good wife or bad wife, good employee or bad employee, good Christian or bad Christian we may get a little perturbed about being labeled by our behaviors and performance. We are humans after all. Children are humans too. In order to make sure we are treating children respectively, I want to propose that we all adopt a “Bad” Behavior Does NOT Mean Bad Kid mentality.
I am convinced you will find this idea simpler and smarter. Instead of making a good or bad blanket statement about a child, you can be specific about what behavior you believe to be bad or good. In the beginning, this takes some intentionality, but it doesn’t take long to become a natural.
A common time for kids to get called good or bad is when parents are talking to each other or to a caregiver. A parent may ask, “Was he good or bad today?” Damage is done when a child is labeled bad especially in earshot. Something I have caught myself saying is, “Why are you being bad? I know you know better.” Hello, I know better than to say that and I … Read the rest
I read a lot of parenting books. I have a lot of Aha moments while reading, but there are some ideas that I make sure to tattoo onto my brain or tongue.
You know those sentences that you have to stop and read a few times. They may challenge your thinking or solve a problem you’ve been facing. I love when I come across these. By all means, it makes me want to send the author a brain kiss. Without a doubt, if I encounter one of these moments while reading a book, it makes the whole book worth it for me.
While I’ve had several of these moments while reading parenting information, I’ve created a listicle of the 5 that have had the most impact on my parenting style. Without further ado, let’s see if you oooh and aaah too!
1. Brene’ Brown Ph.D., LMSW in Daring Greatly
Who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting. … the question isn’t so much “Are you parenting the right way? as it is: “Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?”
Sidenote: This book is awesome. As crazy as it sounds, I’d eat this book if it meant that I would automatically live out everything this book teaches. I truly believe Brene’ Brown and I were meant to be friends.
When I got
… Read the rest
My Roots in Spanking
Spanking has always been something that I accepted as a way to raise a kid because that’s what the people I grew up around did. It’s just the way it was. My aunts and uncles spanked our cousins. The public school I attended gave “pops”. Most people in our community thought nothing of it.
“He needs his a**whooped”, was common to hear amongst parents from our community. Sometimes that statement was milder, sometimes it was harsher, but it was the norm. Parents took off their belt and popped it, asking, “Who wants it first?” You knew to straighten up or else. Few questioned: To Spank or Not to Spank? in my life.
A Friend’s Story
I remember in high school, my best friend told me her parents never spanked her. I made a big deal about it at the lunch table, and I shared what she told me. No one could believe it. We wanted to know how she got punished.
Later, I even asked her parents about it. Her mom said they spanked their other children some, but by the time their last child came, they found it unnecessary. She turned out just as good as the rest of us who got spanked. I share this story because I cringe at how big of a deal I made that they had never hit her.
I Question Spanking
The older I got, the more I started to question it. I went back and forth. I would … Read the rest
Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting by Dr. Laura Markham creator of www.AhaParenting.com is a book that came at just the right time for my family. I believe I was almost due with my second son, and my first son was two when I stumbled upon Ahaparenting. It kept popping up at the bottom of the Baby Center website. I truly believe God had a hand me finding Dr. Laura Markham. She has been an angel for myself and my family!
After our second son was born, what seemed like the perfect little family turned to chaos. In fact, I barely recognized us anymore. As a result, I knew I had to take action quick! I made time to read Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids every chance I could. Consequently, after I read and applied the book, our family has not been the same. I am forever grateful that Dr. Laura Markham came into my life in her non-judgemental way and showed me a whole new way to parent.
10 Things You Will Get From Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids:
- Most things that are stressing you out are NOT an emergency.
- Don’t take your child’s behavior personally.
- You receive steps to manage anger, overwhelm and your triggers.
- The importance of connecting with your child
- You learn the difference between coaching and controlling & the parenting styles and what is yours.
- The effects of yelling and spanking & what are the alternatives
- What is Emotional
… Read the rest