How To Do What I Say I’m Going To Do

I recently had an AHA moment about keeping my word with my child that made me realize I had some work to do!  I needed to figure out how to do what I say I’m going to do.

I’ve always taken pride in the fact that I keep my word.  If I don’t, it’s a total accident or Brain Fog moment because come H or high water I will do what I say I’m going to do.  Don’t I?

Eventually!

Not too long ago,  I realized that when my kids ask me to do something and I say I’m going to do it, it’s taking a while before I get to it.

There’s an inferred, “Now.  She’s going to do it now!”  And I’m not holding to it.

Here’s what I know from working with kids.  If we want to impact our children and be a model for them, we must realize that the impact relates to the influence, and our kids base how much they allow themselves to be influenced on trust, and they directly relate all of it to our actions and sometimes what comes out of our mouths.

It is said that our word is our most valuable possession.  This raises my sense of urgency for doing what I say.  For sticking to my word.  I will not stop saying I will do things.  I just need to be more intentional about what I say I will do.

 

do what I say I'm going to do: This article shares with parents how to keep their word with their child and why it is important to do what you say you're going to do. #keepingapromise #keepingyourword #parentingtips #parentingadvice

Examples of How Parents Don’t Keep Their Word

So here’s how it plays out at our house.

  • Mom, will you get me some milk?  Yes.  Mom, will you get me some milk?  Yes.  Mom, you said you would get me some milk.
  • I tell the kids, “Ya’ll have 5 more minutes to watch and then we’re going to play.”  Alexa, set the timer for 5 minutes.  The 5-minute timer goes off.  Alexa, OFF!  I keep blogging.  They keep watching.  10 minutes later, me, “OK the timer went off.  Let’s go play.”  I’m met with total resistance.
  • We’re upstairs playing.  Are ya’ll hungry?  I’ll go make lunch.  I go downstairs. I check my phone.  Then, I use the restroom.  Next, I switch the clothes from washer to dryer (I have to fold those first.)  30 minutes later I start on lunch.  Mom, I’m hungry! starts from upstairs.
  • Just let me finish this last thing and I’ll be there.  3 things later. MooooM, I’m waiting….
  • Or how about when I say there’s going to be a consequence for a certain behavior, but don’t carry through.

And scenarios like this play out daily over here.  I am inadvertently teaching my boys that I am not a woman of my word.

 

do what I say I'm going to do

What Message Does This Send My Child?

Sadly, I send my kids a message that:

  • They’re not a priority.
  • I am not a woman of integrity.
  • My word can’t always be trusted.
  • I care more about my To-Do list than them.
  • I am a self-centered mom.

This hit me like a ton of bricks because I put a lot of effort into making sure I do what I say I’m going to do.  So, I thought I did.  Turns out!  I need to put more effort into keeping my word.  And possibly get tested for ADD.  Is it just me?

 

How To Do What I Say I’m Going To Do

Here’s how I’ve worked to change this behavior:

  • I made a promise to myself that when I say I will do something, I do it right then.
  • If I think to set the timer for 5 minutes, I set it for 10 or 15, and when it goes off, that’s it.
  • I make lunch first. Then, I do the other stuff.
  • I’m trying to be more specific in my responses.  I will get you some milk when I finish unloading the dishwasher.
  • I PRAY for myself!

You get the picture.  You just have to make a plan for how you will do better and do your darndest to stick to the plan.  The other thing is, Forgive yourself.  Do better next time.  Guilt doesn’t serve you or your family.  When we know better, we do better.

Long story short, figure out when and why you’re not keeping your word, make a plan to combat the habit, put the plan into action.  Even when you mess up, stick to the plan.

21 Days to become a habit.  90 days to become a lifestyle.  You Got This!!

 

Related Article:  Children Will Never Forget How You Make Them Feel

 


Motivation:  Giving and doing less for your child is far better than making unfulfilled promises.


Why It’s Important To Do What I Say I’m Going To Do

  • Build trust
  • When you really need your children to take you seriously, they won’t.
  • Our children do what we do.
  • Our word is a part of our integrity.
  • When you don’t keep your word, you erode your credibility.

 

Call to Action

In What Is Your Word Worth?  Charles Wesley Naylor says, “Too many times parents make promises they do not expect ever to fulfill, just to be rid of the children’s asking. Children soon learn the value of such promises, and they learn the value of your character. Do not lie to your children; do not make promises to them unless you mean them. If you make promises to your child and you are not able to keep them, value your word enough and their respect enough to explain to them the reason.”

 

Ecclesiastes 5:5 “It is better not to make a vow than to make one and not fulfill it (NIV).”

Proverbs 25:14 “A person who promises a gift but doesn’t give it is like clouds and wind that bring no rain (NIV).”


Whether big or small to us, our word is the world in our children’s ears!  Please join me in being intentional on keeping your word.

We’re all human.  We get sidetracked.  Being intentional helps us be a little better each day.  The good news.  Over time, a bunch of a little better each day will equal a lot better.

 

To be notified about new posts and receive the weekly newsletter,

subscribe to This -N- That Parenting Tribe.

 

SUBSCRIBE TO THE TRIBE

 

 

 

Make it a great day or not, the choice is yours!  Remember to have fun, laugh and give God the glory! I love you! SS

 

 

Continue Reading

How Tired Moms Can Get More Energy

When I talk to my Mom Friends I repeatedly hear comments like, “I’m always so tired.” and “I don’t have any energy.” or “I wish I could bottle up some of my kid’s energy and use it for myself!” I was like that for a while, too, so I went on a mission to figure out how tired moms can get more energy… naturally.  I want to pass on some tips that can help you get energy fast!  You can have as much energy as your kids, and you don’t have to drink caffeine or take anything to do it.  Just take care of yourself!

3 ways tired moms can get more energy fast without turning to caffeine. Learn how you can keep up with your child's energy level by applying these simple methods. A little effort and you'll OUT-energize your kids. #howtogetenergy #toddlermomneedsenergy #momneedsmoreenergy

3 Ways to Create Energy Within Yourself

1.  Get Some Sun:

Believe it or not, even though I live in Texas, I’ve been sun-deprived.  I don’t know about you, but when the temps range in the 100s, I’m not really gung-ho about getting outdoors.

Unless I’m intentional about getting 30 minutes of sun 3-4 times a week – not happening!  When I read the symptoms of lack of sunlight, I knew I had to get in it.

The Sun is the Source of ALL Energy!!  Including yours…

Just a Few More of the Benefits of Sunlight:
1.  Improves bone health
2.  Improves brain function
3.  Decreases mild depression
4.  Improves sleep quality
5.  Helps produce Vitamin D

2.  MOVEMENT

There’s just no way around this one.  You have to move your body.  It takes a movement to create energy.  I know it’s hard to think about when you’re already a tired mom. Focus on the benefits!  MORE Energy.

30 minutes of moderate movement fights fatigue, releases endorphins and picks up your energy for the rest of the day.  It can be so hard, but it is so worth it!

You just have to be intentional. Get creative. Plan 30 minutes of high energy activity. There are many ways tired moms can get more energy through activity.  Play with the kids in the back yard, at the pool, chase them around the house or turn on some music and dance around using all body parts!

Related Article:  The Importance of a Mom’s Music Playlist

I’m in my 5th year of motherhood, and I just got intentional about the movement this year.  I can’t believe I waited this long.  It’s made such a difference in my mood and energy!  I encourage you to fit it in.  You owe it to yourself❤❤

3.  Sleep

This seems like a given, but the only time you may have to yourself is after the kids go to sleep.  If you have a lot to catch up on, you can easily look up and be in the A.Ms… If your someone who doesn’t have energy, make a promise to yourself that you’re going to get an hour more of sleep a night.  Keep that promise for a week.  When you see the difference in energy and mood, it’s hard to go back.

Stay on scheduled bedtime.  No matter what you’ve been told.  Unless you are The Rock, you need between 7-9 hours of sleep.  Find your sweet spot that gets you functioning to who you want to be.

One more thing, I recently heard if you sleep well during the week but stay up late and sleep in on weekends you are doing your health so much harm.  (I was guilty!)  It’s called “social jet lag” and it’s serious.  It is linked to lots of fatigue, heart disease, and bad moods!

Related Article:  There is a Reason Moms Are Always Tired Even After a Full Nights Sleep

Call to Action

I’m not going to go into food and energy because that’s a whole nother blog post, but I will share something that was life-changing for me.  I listened to this podcast, and now I try to follow what Kelly suggests.  The keeping your blood sugar in check part caught my attention, and I’m now a believer!

Also, it goes without saying that self-care will boost your energy and put a pep in your step.  I know it’s cliche’, but there’s a reason.  Self-care has so many benefits including the fact that tired moms can get more energy with self-care.  Because self-care is a MUST in order to be a thriving mom, get a plan.  Then, get that plan on your calendar.

Related Article:  How Tired Moms Can Get Started With Self-Care

 

PIN IT

tired moms can get more energy- 3 ways tired moms can get more energy fast without turning to caffeine. Learn how you can keep up with your child's energy level by applying these simple methods. A little effort and you'll OUT-energize your kids. #howtogetenergy #toddlermomneedsenergy #momneedsmoreenergy

If you’re doing all these things and you still have no energy, talk to your doctor.

How do you want your kids to remember you?  Energy has so much influence on the success of your day.  Take action to generate as much energy as possible.

 

To be notified about new posts and receive the weekly newsletter,

subscribe to This -N- That Parenting Tribe.

 

SUBSCRIBE TO THE TRIBE

 

 

 

Make it a great day or not, the choice is yours!  Remember to have fun, laugh and give God the glory! I love you! SS

 

Continue Reading

Become a YES Parent. 3 Ways To Say YES More Often

It’s not that NO is a bad thing.  Most of us grew up hearing Just Say No!  But if you’re a child who is hearing it A LOT, then it gets old real fast.  You start to tune it out after a while.  Lord knows parents don’t want to be tuned out, so how can you become a YES Parent?

By asking you if you want to become a YES Parent, I’m not suggesting that you become a doormat and let your kids run over you.  This isn’t about saying YES all the time.  Children need healthy boundaries.  This is just rethinking some of your NOs.

I am asking you to check yourself in 3 areas to see if you could lighten up a little or a lot depending on you. OR maybe reword things to keep the connection between parent and child.

 

PIN IT

Become a YES Parent- This article gives 3 ways to say yes more often to your child in order to Strengthen the parent-child relationship, build confidence in the child, and increase self-esteem #postiveparenting #parentingadvice #sayyestoyourchildmoreoften

 

Can you believe a 1-Year-Old hears NO on the average… 400 times a day??!!  

Becoming a YES Parent is not always easy or convenient, but once you’re intentional about it and you see how your children respond, it’s well worth the effort.

Basically, it’s seeing the world and yourself through your child’s eyes.  It’s realizing that the little things really become the big things.  Let kids be kids in a world that wants them to be miniature adults with a maxed-out schedule.  It’s not worrying about how big of a mess it will make or how much time it’s going to take or if it’s in the schedule.  Saying YES can be inconvenient.

The Benefits of Being a YES Parent

  • Strengthens the parent-child relationship
  • Builds confidence in the child
  • Increased self-esteem
  • Improved Emotional Intelligence
  • Builds Trust
  • Helps them accept NO easier

Trust me on this one.  You will see magical moments happen if you take my word on this. You will see your kids unreservedly play and live.  My old NO self is still standing there with her mouth open and eyes wide at some of the things she’s heard me say YES to! It feels so right though.

3 Ways To Become a Yes Parent

1.  Be Spontaneous:

I am a lover of routine and organization.  In fact, just this week I found myself organizing some organized stuff.  So to stray from the plans doesn’t come naturally for me.  After years in the classroom, I know kids thrive on routine.  But to be sporadic every now and again is not going to cause a need for therapy, at least not for the kids!😜 Let the kids do things that are usually not “COOL” with you.   Let me give you some examples:

Say Yes When They Ask To Do Things Like:

  • Go ONE MORE TIME!
  • Go to the pool when supper time is in 30 minutes
  • Have the 3rd piece of chocolate
  • Turn on the water hose
  • Pour the milk themselves
  • Do anything by themselves
  • Make cookies out of the blue
  • Play in the rain
  • Cook  (You can help.)
  • Can I help you, Mom?
  • Pick out their wardrobe
  • Play with them

 

Related Article:  42 Ingenious Tricks That Make Everyday Parenting So Much Fun


2.  Being a YES Parent May Mean Saying Nothing When You Would Usually Say Something:

Sometimes our kids don’t ask our permission.  They just do it!  Not saying no can be the same as saying YES.

Here are some examples:

  • It is a fact that parents often are harsher on their child when they see an onlooker giving them The Look that seems to signal, “Do something about that child!”  We see the look and then we tell our child, “STOP…” when ordinarily it wouldn’t be a big deal to us.  Try being mindful of not reacting quickly when you feel that your family is being judged.
  • Let a child take risks.
  • When they get rowdy or wrestle, let them.
  • Let them make racket and be noisy.
  • They walk through the puddle in the parking lot instead of around.

 

Challenge: 

I encourage you to take a quick look at the photos on your phone.  Look for pictures that are evidence that you said YES when you really wanted to say no or when you would usually say no.  Use the photos as inspiration.

The above are some of mine.  Think about the outcome saying YES had. JOY.  Empowerment.  Creativity.  Bravery to name a few.

Furthermore, say YES more, and be sure and get a pic when you do.  30 years from now, your kids will look through their childhood photos, they’ll have the evidence of the ROCKSTAR that you are and the ____ they had! (You decide what goes in the blank.) Fun. Freedom. Adventures…

PIN IT

YES Parent: Become a YES Parent- This article gives 3 ways to say yes more often to your child in order to Strengthen the parent-child relationship, build confidence in the child, and increase self-esteem #postiveparenting #parentingadvice #sayyestoyourchildmoreoften

3.  Instead of Starting Your Sentences With NO…

Some days it seems that I may have to say 5 sentences in a row that start with No or Don’t.  Get creative in rephrasing these sentences.  I’ve seen tantrums end with a No sentences rephrased to start with a Yes.  This is a little different from 1 & 2 because the child is not getting to do what they may have set out doing, but at the same time, they are given options other than NO, the end, I said so!  Ask for what you want, NOT for what you don’t want.

Here are a few examples:

  • Instead of Don’t run.  Say You can walk.
  • Instead of No, it’s too late for you to drink juice.  Say Sure, you can have juice tomorrow.
  • Instead of No, kicking.  Say, I won’t let you kick me.
  • Instead of No, don’t take the cushions off the couch.  Say, I want you to leave the cushions on the couch because the dogs might chew them up. (Give the reason why…)
  • Instead of NO yelling when your sister is asleep.  Say, I need your help keeping your sister down for her nap.  Please remember to use your inside voice during naps.

Call to Action

All things considered, I have used in aiding me to become a YES parent are that my boys usually wear Natives or Crocs shoes. They can walk and do a lot and there is super easy clean-up.  AND every once in a while, we have a YES DAY inspired by one of our fave authors, Amy Krouse Rosenthal.  I figure a Yes Day day lets me experience what it must feel like to be a grandparent.

 

Without a doubt, you will bring more FUN to your home and family when you practice being a YES Parent!

 

Related Article:

Laughter Is The Best Medicine: Ways to Make Your Kids Laugh 

 

To be notified about new posts and receive the weekly newsletter,

subscribe to This -N- That Parenting Tribe.

 

SUBSCRIBE TO THE TRIBE

 

 

 

Make it a great day or not, the choice is yours!  Remember to have fun, laugh and give God the glory! I love you! SS

 

Continue Reading

The Art of Being a Present Parent

One of the biggest challenges the parents I’m connected with say they face is being present when they are with their child.  This is an area that I have studied in depth because I believe PRESENCE to be super important to my relationship with those I love.  Today I want to share with you some of what I’ve learned about being a present parent from others and from experience.

It goes without saying present parenting is something you have to be intentional about.  You have to make up your mind that while you’re with your family, it’s family.  While your working, it’s work.  While you’re at church, it’s worship and faith. And so on and so forth.  Then you just start practicing shrinking moments down and focusing on the task at hand.

In studying the art of being a present parent, I learned that many people are seeking balance, control, and freedom in their life.  If we are intentional about BEING wherever we are in the moment at that moment we will start to feel better about all 3 of these areas.  The goal is present living!

PIN IT

Get 3 simple tips that enable you to be a present parent and positively impact your parent-child relationship along with making your child feel more loved. #mindfulparenting #positiveparenting #howtobeapresentparent

A Few of the Benefits of Being a Present Parent:

  • Happier family
  • Closer family
  • Strengthens parent-child relationship
  • Sends the message of love to your child
  • Better behavior and cooperation

Tips for being present during Family Time:

1.  A Present Parent Puts Their Phone Away:  

If you work, leave it in the car or at the door for the first hour you get home.  If you are a stay-at-home parent, schedule hours in the day when you put your phone and other screens away completely.

When a child is trying to communicate with us and we are looking down at our phone, it sends the message, “What is on this phone is more important or more interesting than you.”  When this happens a couple of times, our relationship will begin to suffer.  Give your child extended periods of time of not checking your texts, emails, or social media.  The most successful leaders have media scheduled.  If you are a parent, you are a leader.

Communicate with your child.  “You have my complete attention for the next 45 minutes.”  “I have some work to do now.”  “I am going to make a phone call at this time…”  The better the communication and discussion of expectations, the more successful the time will go.

A study by global tech protection and support company Asurion found that the average person struggles to go little more than 10 minutes without checking their phone. And of the 2,000 people surveyed, one in 10 check their phones on average once every four minutes.

2.  A Present Parent Is Intentional About Their Time: 

When you are creating your schedule, schedule in family time.  During this time, you make sure you are fully a present parent.  Your family having an hour with you being fully present trumps 3 hours of time with you “sidetracked” by life.

 


You can shift your thinking to building your life around your family rather than fitting your family into your life.  Too often our family gets bits and pieces of our leftover time, and then in that time, we’re worn out from all the other things. A present parent takes control of their schedule.  Design your life around faith and family.

Related Article:  10 Easy Ways to Slow Down Time

 

3.  A Present Parent Takes Control of Their Day: 

Change from reacting and responding to dictating what takes place in your life.  How is this done?  Do not look at or check your phone for the first 30 minutes of your day and the last 30 minutes of your day.

If you start the day with your phone, you start reacting and responding to texts, emails, and social media and the rest of the world gets to decide how your day goes.  But if you start your day by focusing, praying, gratitude, movement/stretching, look at your schedule, reading scripture, whatever you decide your healthy morning routine to be, you will start living your best life because you are in control of your day to the best of your ability.

Related Article:  4 Ways to Spend Special Time With Your Child

 

Present parent- Get 3 simple tips that enable you to be a present parent and positively impact your parent-child relationship along with making your child feel more loved. #mindfulparenting #positiveparenting #howtobeapresentparent

 


Call to Action

At the end of the day, pray, reflect on your day, think about your schedule and what you want to accomplish the next day.  Be gentle with yourself.  Don’t guilt and shame yourself.  Learn from today’s mistakes and celebrate all your wins- big and small.  You do not want the last thing you experience before sleep to be a screen.

I guarantee if you focus on these 3 areas, you will feel more in control of your life, more productive, and more connected to those you love. Furthermore, your people will feel more important and valued, and as a result, they will treat you this way as well.

 

 

To be notified about new posts and receive the weekly newsletter,

subscribe to This -N- That Parenting Tribe.

 

SUBSCRIBE TO THE TRIBE

 

 

 

Make it a great day or not, the choice is yours!  Remember to have fun, laugh and give God the glory! I love you! SS

Continue Reading

What To Do Instead of Spanking or Punishment

When you make the wise decision to quit spanking, it doesn’t take long before the questions arise.  “What am I going to do instead of spanking?  I can’t just let my child get away with murder.  I don’t want to be a permissive parent.  What if my child grows up to be a criminal?” 

These are totally normal thoughts.  Without a doubt, you have to have a mindset change when you switch from practicing punishment to using connection instead.  You now take the time to teach the desired behavior instead of inflicting suffering for the wrong behavior.

The goal is to raise children who do what is right because it is the right thing to do NOT because they are afraid of getting hit or receiving any punishment for that matter.  Think about it.  What good is that for your child short term or long term?

The first belief that you must accept and own is that parenting is just as much if not more about your behavior than your child’s behavior.  It is about your self-control and how you do life. 

Children will be children no matter what.  They go through developmental stages and they test the boundaries every step of the way.  Your job is to model the self-control of navigating life within the boundaries.  To do this well, self-care and connection with your child have to be priorities.

 

PIN IT

This article informs parents on alternatives to use instead of spanking and punishment. Focus on self-care and connection is key. Use natural and logical consequences instead. This guide is priceless. #stopspanking #positiveparenting #alternativestopunishment #consequencesforchildren #toddlers #preschoolers #teenagers

Self-Care

In order to be the best version of yourself, you have to be taking care of yourself. If you’re expecting to have self-control, you need to be on your A-game.  The better you treat yourself, the better you will treat others.  It is likely that you’ll be a more peaceful parent.  Self-love impacts how others perceive you and how the world treats you.  Ultimately, self-care can change your descendants’ lives.  This whole self-care thing is a domino effect.

There are 5 areas of self-care to pay attention to.  The areas that you need to focus on are your physical, spiritual, intellectual, social and mental/emotional habits.  The 3 most important to focus on are sleeping, eating well and moving your body.  The moral of the story is – if your self-care journey only ever has one season… the hardly any self-care season, it’s time to be intentional about loving yourself.

If you are not taking care of yourself, this will affect your mental health.  Quitting spanking and punishing will challenge you mentally.  It is more likely you will be successful in quitting if you take care of you first!

Which of the 5 areas are you doing well in?  Which ones do you need improvement in?

Related Article:  Self-Care 101:  Be Intentional About One of the Hard Basics of Motherhood

 

It’s All About the Relationship – Connecting With Your Kids

Staying connected to our child is our most important job as parents.  Staying emotionally connected to our child sets us up for positive relationships with our children.  Also, it is preventative maintenance because it increases the chances our child will listen to our request. 

Children do not care how much you know until they know how much you care! That’s it- it’s all about relationships with children. Children want to please the adults they feel connected to, and it is the parent’s job to stay connected while setting limits.

Parenting isn’t a set of strategies.  It is a relationship. We intentionally use strategies to see the results we desire in our relationships with children.  Again, parenting is about teaching and modeling the behavior we desire to see in our children.  Here are 4 ways to stay connected to your child:

  1. How do you spell love to a child? T-I-M-E!  The number one way to connect with your child is present parenting.  The better off you are with your self-care the more you will be able to offer presence. Set a goal to give your child X amount of minutes of your undivided attention a day.  At least 20 minutes is best, but do what you can.
  2. Eat at least one meal a day with your child.  This is the easiest way for the whole family to connect, find out how everyone is doing and what is important in each other’s life.  At the same time,  your children learn group conversation etiquette.
  3. Take your child on a special one-on-one outing.  This tells the child, “I see you. You matter.”  At the end of the day, that’s what children want.
  4. Build-in rituals that enable a connection with your child.  Examples:  Morning rituals, bedtime rituals, in the car rituals, I Love You Signals

Connecting with our children and creating strong relationships with children takes time, intentionality and work.  I have found if I think of it in terms of the quality of the time I spend with my kids instead of the quantity of time it takes off some of the pressure.  Finally, if we show up and give our best for that time, kids know we care.

Related Article:  Children Do Not Care How Much We Know Until They Know How Much We Care

Related Video:  Become a YES Parent.  Connect With Your Child

 

what to do instead of spanking and punishment

3 Types of Consequences to Use Instead of Spanking:

By now, I’m sure you’re thinking, all of this sounds great, but is my kid going to just automagically not have any challenging behavior if I do this stuff?  Guess what?  No.  They will be a child just like God created them to be.  They will test the boundaries, ignore your requests at times, have an insatiable curiosity, unload their emotional backpack,  and do things in public that make you want to run away.  After all, if you know anything about the development of your child’s prefrontal cortex, then you know these behaviors are all normal and expected from children.

What can you do when your child displays behavior you don’t care for?  You use consequences that teach and guide your child to the expected behavior.  I know.  This is all so different than what your family is used to!  It was for me too.  Again, repeat with me, I want to raise a child who does right because it’s right NOT because they’re scared of being hit!

1.  Natural Consequences: 

Natural consequences allow discomfort to occur naturally rather than a parent creating a consequence.  These are imposed by nature, society, or another person.  When at all possible, this is the best consequence to use. 

These are the consequences that parents tend to protect their child from experiencing the most, but unfortunately, this can lead to enabling.  In fact, try to let the chips fall where they may.

Examples:

  • When a teen doesn’t do their laundry, eventually, they have no clean clothes to wear.
  • If a child doesn’t eat, eventually they’ll be hungry.
  • When you don’t wear a jacket, you will get cold.
  • If you don’t put up your shoes, the puppy will chew it up.  (Ask me how I know!)

Don’t Use When:

  • The child is in danger  Ex:  Playing in the street
  • The consequence doesn’t occur immediately  Ex: Failure to do school work
  • If it affects others such as peers, siblings, parents or pets

2.  Logical Consequences: 

The parent creates logical consequences, but they are in direct correlation to the negative behavior.  No physical pain, blame or shame.

How To:

  • Only come up with consequences you will follow through on
  • Wait until you have both calmed down before you speak
  • Don’t make up the consequence while angry
  • Think about the consequences in advance when possible.
  • Parents need to discuss consequences and agree before implementing them when possible

Examples:

  • The child keeps breaking their curfew or boundaries when they leave home, so they will stay home for 2 weeks.
  • She has not been doing her homework because she chose to play video games, so she will not play video games on school nights until she has turned her homework in on time for 2 weeks straight.
  • He spills his milk.  He cleans it up.

3.  Conflict Resolution:

Conflict resolution involves the child in coming up with a solution to the problem.

How to:

  • State the problem with positive intent and a focus on what you would like children to do.
  • Ask the child for ideas on how to solve the problem.
  • Hold family meetings to brainstorm solutions to chronic problems that are happening in your household

Examples:

  • The bathroom is continuously messy.  What can you do?
  • Both of you want to use the camera.  What can ya’ll do?
  • The teacher emailed me that you haven’t turned in your homework much this week.  What can we do to make sure you get it done every day?

 

what to do instead of spanking or punishment

The Benefits of Using Consequences Instead of Spanking or Punishment:

  • Reduces hindering relationship
  • Develops self-discipline and internal motivation
  • The child will be less likely to lie, blame, and hide because they don’t have FEAR of punishment.
  • Reduces rebellion and low self-esteem because the child learns that they’re not under the judgment of the parent
  • Teaches accountability
  • The child makes good choices because they are right NOT out of fear.
  • Much less of an impact on the child’s mental health.

*If the consequence doesn’t fit into one of the above 3 categories, there’s a good chance it is punishment:

  • Makes the child feel ashamed
  • The child will do better out of fear.
  • It’s not related to the behavior.
  • Sends the message that the child is the problem instead of the behavior or the damage done
  • There is physical pain.

 

Call to Action

You can and you will do this!  How are you going to switch from punishment to connection and consequences?  You’re going to remember your why is much bigger than your how!  Think about all the research that shows the negative effects of spanking.  You will think about how you want your child to remember you as a peaceful parent NOT a punishing parent.  You’re going to think about the fact that you are changing your family’s legacy and mental health for generations to come.  You can think about how it feels ludicrous to punish your child for misbehavior yet no one punishes you for yours. Think about the GENIUSness of now teaching your child how to behave instead of them behaving because they fear you.  Remind yourself that spanking is the lowest form of parenting, and you will NOT be a bottom feeder.

I encourage you to come up with your own list of Whys.  In the hard moments of parenting, your script of WHYs will get you to the other side as peacefully as possible.  Secondly, it is a great idea to study and know what positive parenting alternatives you will use instead of punishment.  Don’t expect to come up with these in the heat of the moment when your brain is already in fight-or-flight mode. 

Beforehand, have a plan for how you will stop spanking and what you will do instead.  Furthermore, if you follow the suggestions given, you will look back a year from now, and you won’t ever believe you were ever a spanker!  Lastly, keep in mind that when you focus on self-care and connection with your child, it will be so much easier to use modeling and consequences instead of spanking and other punishment.

As you can see, a lot of effort and intentionality goes into being a parent who has self-control.  This -N- That Parenting is built on what I learned in 15 years of teaching and what I am learning on this journey to becoming a better parent every day.  If there’s one thing that stands out, it’s that it is beneficial to surround myself with others who want to get better at parenting too.  You can find information to help you on your journey on the blog and on the YouTube as well as in the weekly letters I send my tribe.  Stay connected. Parent Together.

 

GET SUPPORT TO STOP SPANKING

If you would like some support in quitting spanking, email me at [email protected]thisnthatparenting.com.  Seriously, let’s get on the phone and see how I can help make this experience easier on your family.  We are better at things when we do them together, and we feel supported.  Remember, it is stronger to ask for help than to do nothing.

 

 

To be notified about new posts and receive the weekly newsletter,

subscribe to This -N- That Parenting Tribe.

 

 

SUBSCRIBE TO THE TRIBE

 

 

Make it a great day or not, the choice is yours!  Remember to have fun, laugh and give God the glory! I love you! SS

 

Quitting Spanking Series:

Continue Reading

How To Stop Spanking Your Child

Quitting spanking is possible.  How often you spank your child, the reasons for which you spank, whether your parents spanked you and how entrenched your belief system and self-talk is in spanking are some determining factors for the level of difficulty you will have with stopping spanking.  Whatever it takes for you to stop spanking, I urge you to do the work.  Surprisingly, when I share how to stop spanking your child, you’ll find that spanking is not about your child but about your own self-control. 

Are you up for the challenge?

Dictionaries define spanking as hitting, striking, and smacking.  Sit with yourself for a bit and think back to the times you hit your child. I truly believe while you reflect, a piece of you feels something isn’t right about your actions.

Research shows spanking has multiple long-term negative effects that are not worth the short-term fix that spanking gives.  If you are unaware of the effects spanking can have on your child, I encourage you to read 10 Reasons to Stop Spanking That Are Backed By Research.

After deciding to quit spanking, it took my husband and me 3 months to stop.  It floored me it took this long.  After a while, it literally scared me.  The awareness of the fact that I could not go cold turkey on this spanking deal, made me realize how much self-control I lacked in the area. While surveying other parents who stopped spanking, they had the same experience.  Just know, quitting is a process.

 

PIN NOW

This post contains steps and tips to help a parent who is currently spanking their child to stop spanking along with what you can expect when quitting. #howtostopspanking #parentingadvice #whyshouldiquitspanking #howcanistopspankingmychild

 

 

Please Use My Experience and Research

Being vulnerable about this topic pains me greatly, and honestly, I’m embarrassed and ashamed that I ever hit my child.  I share because I want to give you hope that you can quit.  Don’t give up on yourself. If my vulnerability spares one family from the effects of spanking, it is worth it.

After much research, I figured out what I needed to do to stay in control of myself.  I have gone back and identified how I finally stopped spanking my child.  These are the steps and this is the information I wish I had when I stopped spanking. 

According to psychologists, the key to properly managing your anger is to distance yourself physically and emotionally from the situation and get control of your negative thoughts that are dominating the situation.  Eventually, replace the negative thoughts with new thoughts, so the old dialogue no longer plays.

How To Stop Spanking Your Child

#1.  Promise yourself that no matter what your child does, you will NOT spank.  No exceptions!

  • Do not break this promise to yourself.
  • Make a commitment to do whatever you have to do with yourself to get through the anger and fear.
  • Get an accountability partner.  Tell them your plan to stop spanking and you will need them to be someone you can lean on during the first couple of months.
  • In the beginning, do not worry about the consequences you give your child for their behavior.  Just focus on not spanking.  Your main priority right now is to rewire your brain. When your first instinct is no longer spanking, then you can think about the consequences you will use instead of spanking.
  • Switch your mindset about behavior.  If your focus is on obedience, then you use fear and force to get it.  If your focus is on raising a child who does right whether your present or not, then you use connection, coaching, and empathy. 
  • Have a discussion with your partner and come to an agreement about spanking.  If they will not agree, you will have to decide how important the topic is to you.  You can still quit.

#2.  When you get triggered, drop what you’re doing and remove yourself from the situation. 

Sidenote:  You need not leave the room unless it would be best for you and your child.  Just make sure you are at a viewing distance from which you can’t hit your child.

  • While you are removing yourself, say nothing damaging to the child and don’t raise your voice. 
  • You can respectfully say at an appropriate volume before you go:
    • I need to think about how I will handle this.  I will take a moment to calm down now.”
    • It’s hard for me to believe you pushed your brother down after we have discussed how you should treat him.  I need to think about your behavior, and we will discuss it later when I have calmed down. In the meantime, I expect you to treat him with nothing but love.
    • “I need some time to think.  I don’t want to say or do anything I will regret.  In the meantime, I need you to sit on the love seat until I tell you otherwise.”
    • “I am too mad right now to talk about this.  I’m taking 5 minutes.  While I’m doing that, you will be on your absolute best behavior.”
  • The important thing about anger is not to act while you’re angry.
  • Notice your thoughts.  When you make yourself aware of your feelings and emotions, you are one step closer to managing them.
  • Breathe.  In through the nose, count to 3, out through the mouth, slowly. Again.

#3.  Have a plan of what you will do while you gain control of your emotions.

  • Some options and ideas for releasing fear and anger:
    • Shake your hands out.
    • Hug yourself by wrapping your arms around yourself and trying to reach your shoulder blades.
    • Splash cool water on your face.
    • Exercise.
    • Put on music and dance.
    • Look at a baby picture of your child.
    • Stretch.
    • Imagine yourself hugging your child. 
  • **Your job is to feel the anger, fear, sadness or disappointment but not act on it.  This does not mean you don’t have a right to feelings or that they are not important.  It means you are in control of how you react to your emotions.  You are teaching your child a more important lesson than you would have had you stayed on the scene.  You are modeling self-control.  High-Five!

 

#4.  Decide what and how you need to think when you remove yourself.

Anger is an emotion that hijacks your thoughts, words, and actions.  If you continue to think aggressive thought after aggressive thought, the anger will turn into rage.  Therefore, have a plan to replace the angry thoughts.  Use mantras, affirmations, and Bible verses to change your hostile mindset to a healthy mindset.

You can say these aloud.  It is fine for your child to hear you.  You are modeling what it takes to have self-control.

Here are a few of my faves:

  • This is not an emergency.
  • (Child’s Name) is not my enemy.
  • Only love today.
  • (Child’s Name) needs my love most when he is at his worst.
  • I won’t take this personally.  This is not about me.
  • I can handle this with dignity.
  • How do I want (Child’s Name) to remember me 15 years from now?
  • I will love (Child’s Name) unconditionally.
  • I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.  Philippians 4:13
  • Name all the things you love about the child.
  • I can quit spanking!
  • (Child’s Name) is acting like a child because he is a child.
  • How does (Child’s Name) see this situation?
  • My triggers will not control me.
  • What does (Child’s Name) need of me right now?

**Repeat Steps 2-4 until you know you are calm.

How do you know you are calm?:

  • Your breathing has slowed. 
  • Your muscles have relaxed.
  • You have positive thoughts about your child. 
  • Your child is not your enemy.
  • You can talk to your child about changing the behavior without shaming them or raising your voice.

 

#5.  Take a moment to see the situation from your child’s perspective and reflect on what happened.

  • Just know, research shows that very few parents take time to make a plan and reflect on their actions.  Most are reacting and responding off the cuff.  You are taking your parenting to the next level.  This should feel good.  Your child is blessed to have you.
  • All behavior is communication.  What could cause your child to behave in this manner?
  • How does (Child’s Name) feel?  How can  I help my child with their feelings?  They can not learn from you while they are feeling angry or anxious.  It is best for everyone to get to calmness before you discuss the inappropriate behavior.

 

This post contains steps and tips to help a parent who is currently spanking their child to stop spanking along with what you can expect when quitting. #howtostopspanking #parentingadvice #whyshouldiquitspanking #howcanistopspankingmychild

 

#6. Keep a list of behaviors that are triggering you.

  • You will want to reflect on your list in your downtime or alone time.
  • Here is a list of questions to consider about these triggers:
    • What was I thinking about previous to the behavior that triggered me? negative or positive thoughts?  
    • What was I doing when the misbehavior occurred? 
    • How will I use natural or logical consequences?
    • What language did I use when the incident occurred? What will I say next time? The same or different.
    • What will I say to (Child’s Name) about his behavior?  How will I teach or model a new behavior?  How can I get his input on coming up with a better plan if the incident occurs again?
  • Start to create a plan of how you will respond the next time you are triggered.

 

The Challenges To Expect When You Stop Spanking

  • If you have used spanking as a punishment for quite some time, you may feel that your kids are getting away with too much or your consequences aren’t harsh enough.  You may have fear you will raise a hellion! These are the thoughts that need replacing.
  • Prepare yourself. There’s a good chance things will get worse before they get better.  The human brain prefers the familiar over the nonfamiliar.  No spanking is new for your child.  The brain would prefer being hit over recalibrating.  Scary right!  
  • Most children have a lot of emotions pinned up from the spanking, and they now feel safer to release them.  It is not uncommon to experience crying and fits for a bit.  Don’t mistake this as “a child who doesn’t get spanked goes nuts”.  Give empathy and patience.
  • Unfortunately, if you come from a family who spanks, prepare for them to give their opinion about your decision.  Especially when your child acts like a child.  Nevertheless, do not give in and hit your child because of pressure from others.  Furthermore, in the beginning months of quitting spanking, it is best to limit your time spent with those who think you need to spank.
  • Ultimately, it is harder work to think of ways to teach your child through loving guidance instead of controlling them through spanking.  If you spank out of anger and rage, it is even harder work to retrain your brain and hand.  Not spanking is definitely taking the high road. The benefits and personal development are positively endless!
  • You may fall off of the wagon and spank.  It took Chris and me 3 months to stop spanking.  You can track your progress on a calendar.  Give yourself a check for each day you don’t spank.  Try to go further each time.  If you fall off the wagon, do not give up.  Tomorrow is a new day.  A year from now, you won’t believe you were ever a spanker.

 

The Benefits of Quitting Spanking

  • The parent-child relationship, bond, and connection strengthens.
  • Your child is not behaving out of fear.
  • Your child expresses their emotions.
  • You teach your child how you expect them to behave.  
  • You model self-control for your child.
  • Your child does not feel the need to lie or sneak.
  • Your children will be more emotionally intelligent.
  • The child will not grow up believing that people who love you hit you or vice versa.

 

Call to Action

Nowhere in this article did I say it was going to be easy to quit spanking which is another proof that spanking is not about the child. Obviously, it is about the parent blowing off steam.  Therefore, it is worth every ounce of your effort, energy, and personal development to create a family culture that does not use corporal punishment.  When your children are grown, do you want them to remember how you spanked them to enforce obedience? Or would you rather them remember how you loved them through the hard times and modeled and taught them the behavior you desired.

 

Get Support To Stop Spanking

If you would like some support in quitting spanking, email me at [email protected]  Let’s get on the phone and see if I am a fit for you.  Sometimes we are better at things when we do them together.  Remember, it is stronger to ask for help than to do nothing.

 

To be notified about new posts and receive the weekly newsletter, subscribe to This -N- That Parenting Tribe.

Subscribe To The Tribe

 

 

Make it a great day or not, the choice is yours!  Remember to have fun, laugh and give God the glory! I love you! SS

 

Quitting Spanking Series:

Continue Reading
1 2 3 10